Shwag’s Blog

As I’m about to embark on another weekend ‘alone’ I’m reflecting on why I’m single. I think I like it actually I love it but sometimes I would like that the option to have that call to meet me at cheesecake or go for a spin.  do love going with Tasha and Cara and Genia etc., but I want the option. And I do have the option know of a person of the opposite sex going with me but no one I would want to see through a meal or handle a long car ride with.

So today I had a great day half in court and half at a construction site. Hmm the best of both worlds. In court doing what I love and driving around with a guy in a truck that is cute, driven, passionate, caring, motivated, worldly and brilliant. Worldly not the Oxford educated worldly but worldly the way I consider to be more respectable, worldly because he worked his ass  off to get to where he is and that’s pretty dam remarkable because where he is a  very successful business man at 29 with 2 businesses on 2 different continents and property all over the world. And someone who has a girlfriend and is moving her across the pond to be with him.

And in my mind (I know it was wrong) but I was thinking hmm I can have him. But I am not that girl and will never be. So I will stand bye and hope it doesn’t last. No, no, no, I won’t.

I love my job, not following anyone’s schedule but knowing you have to be on your own schedule or your business wont run and discipline because you have important decisions to make and people that depend on you. Oh and you wont get paid. Some things in our jobs are very similar and some are very very different, especially the hours but the constant phone calls, decisions, driving, always being on the run, stress is all the same.  

 See me and him we are great we laugh, were serious, we can have fun and have great convos about anything, family, love, sports, work were great friends. Today we even touched on politics (not my views on McCain/Palin) and the economy. And I listen to him about his business and am interested. I now know all about contaminated dirt, the size of rocks and grades and I feel like he really listens to me.  But there’s always that weird what if feeling that neither one of us has acted on. Questions like would you move for someone? The 4am text come over I need you. Etc.

And I answered the first one of course, as long as I’m not giving up my career and if I really loved someone and I thought it was worth it. The text I responded with a call and we talked until we both fell asleep.

So in the car I said I loved apple picking and we should go so well see. I love getting out of the city and going apple picking. And he laughed but I know the perfect place where I used to go when I was little where’s theres tons of apples and a pumpkin patch. theres a trick to apple picking for the full experience you cannot go to early because the leave arent totally changed and if you go to late there are noooo apples and thats the worse, boots and fall leaves and crisp air and cider and my favorite apple doughnuts hmmmmmm.

Did I mention he travels Vegas, Poland, and Boston some are for work of course and if you have been reading my previous blogs I want that. The place he comes from on the other hand I’ve never been there and I know it’s a lot different being that I’m a city girl but I would take a look.

So writing this he called and of course I told him about my blog. He’s not really that internet savvy but I did tell him ad stressed the fact that this is all based on my life but some factions on fictitious!

Today was a great day. Made some money and ahhhh chilled with a perfect man off limits,  soooooo my luck. So I guess ill wait.

So the past two nights I have been up all tonight, the first because I had coffee and last night because I think I had food poisoning from a salad. A fucking salad that’s why I don’t eat those things. Anyways so Montreal was fantastic next time I want to go with a guy who I’m into I’m putting it on my list of places and things to do with someone I actually want to be with.

A few things happen when we were in Montreal; my mom lied to border patrol going in and coming back, but the border patrol on the way back was sooo hot I wanted to find a way to Google him and call; it was definitely weird talking to him with my mom in the car. When he told me to take my classes off I thought he was immediately interested that I realized he’s border patrol. Obviously I took them off and we flirted and than it both hit us we were talking over my mom ahhhhhhh.  I never told him about the apples.

We almost didn’t even make it into Canada since my mom told the border patrol the purpose of our trip was a Canadian Tire Convention and than next question, “what do you do for a living” hmmm mom without hesitation stated she was a teacher and I was speechless and of course next question was what is a teacher from New York doing at a Canadian Tire Convention. Well Canadian tire is sort of like wall mart here but without the clothes and food, they sell a lot of outdoor camping stuff, sports gear tires outdoor furniture etc. Hence no lawyers or teachers are needed at such a convention. I chimed in and explained we were visiting a cousin who works in IT corporate blah blah blah and we wee over the border.

This new entourage is great the new episode classic. Ari and Lloyd are not be messed with. These one liners even from drama are ridic.

My mom is terrible at the border. Last time we really got stopped they searched our whole car and of course my mom had boxes of pasta but under the pasta and the sauce was sopressata !!!!! loads of it they found it dumped it from the trunk and searched the whole car. I was mortified I had no idea and the funny thing is I was driving. My grandma and mom shoved into the trunk without me knowing bc my mom know I would not out that in my car, so of course I’m all like no we just have nothing just the lunch my grandma packed for us, so when he found the meat and proceeded to search the car he didn’t believe me so I turned to my mom and said is there anything else, oh man for about a good 4 hours I wouldn’t speak to her at all I was sooo mad and she just started laughing oh man I was so mad I had to laugh.

To this day my mom gets so nervous at the border , she still tells me to shit the radio and stop talking, bc “their taping us” this time I should be on tape saying mom you should declare those three apples you stuffed in your purse.” When we were young we had 3 different citizenships in the car and only when me and my sister were traveling with mom she gave her classic answer in her infamous “fake” voice

Q: Citizenship

A: All American

Q: Purpose of your trip

A: taking the girls to Niagara and to see Toronto

Have a great trip!

Thanks

Most times it worked. Sometimes it didn’t and I even as a young girl would have to explain our trip and her status etc. Oh and when I was 5 we had 2 car fulls going up to Montreal for some cousins wedding when my uncle decide to put a sheep under the seat of my grandpas old BMW. And since my aunt still ha her Italian passport with a picture of her as a  year old and my mom was Canadian and I think at that time only me and my cousin Anthony were Americans they detained us. Of course questioning my mom the longest perhaps because she spoke English the best lol, oh I have many a border story.

Three  years ago  after her pass port was stolen and she was sill waiting for it and traveling with temporary travel papers she was detained and my  dad to drive up and get her lol that phone call was classic. My mom in her crazy screaming crying voice “Louie, Louie, Louie” Yeah Hun what Louieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Oh man I get the call Melissa I have to drive and get your mother the border patrol called me and asked me if I knew her and I have to go get her. There he went driving 9 hours to the border lol.

Or the time my mom and grandma drove up and no one checked my grandma’s green card which had expired and after driving 9 hours they had to turn around and drive back. My nanna felt sooo bad that my mom didn’t get to se her mom.

So getting back to the trip it was awesome. Unfortunate Antonina had to work soo much we barely got to see her but we did get to go the convention.

We did lots of site seeing and I was very impressed with Old Montreal. I won 40 bucks at the casino which was so packed I now for next time to go late night at least than you could get a seat. It was so different from American Casinos it was sooo packed but not loud, you heard the occasionally screams and cheers when someone hit but it was surprisingly quiet for the amount of people in there.

I’m not a huge fan of the French, I mean I did love the Thomas Cook money counter guy who helped me call the police when Stacey got locked in the glass hone booth in front of the Eiffel Tower, lol what a site I have to post those pics one day. Me screaming “  une jeune blonde Americaine fille en dentro la téléphoniqueune “ lol I was laughing so hard my minimal 6 years of French was non existent and more Spanish I think I almost peed my pants ten times over as the Eiffel tower stood behind me al lit up for the Millennium and there’s Stacey locked in this all glass phone booth. We couldn’t even call 911 because you needed a phone card the whole thing was classic. Oh and the second time I was in France me and Genia got major food poisoning but anyways.

But getting back to the French we did have 2 waiters from France that were okay but the Quebecois or French Canadians were fabulous! I loved them and Montreal and they totally got me excited for Quebec City everyone says its great during the Winter Carnival but that might be a lil too cold for me I’m thinking spring or early fall.

We had another waiter one night from North Carolina (red head) who went to boarding school in Ontario and now was in grad school in McGill I ended up having lots of beers that night and he only charged me for one. He was great anyone who knows my mom knows she doesn’t drink at all and tells everything I drink more in one night than she has drank in her whole life well when I ordered one she started and he must of heard bc he snuck me one every time my mom went to the bathroom! She kept saying stop he’s too young for you;)  

  So we hit up St Catherine’s, Starbucks at 1 am Crescent Street, the Casino say the port and the Old 67 Worlds Fair, China Town, some government stuff, Notre Dame some other Cathedrals and Old Montreal.

I forgot to tell you guys that when we were at the casino I got a text from Rich. Exactly whose Rich, who said he met me months ago but his been traveling so he’s sorry and wanted to know if I was still out. I responded sorry I’m in Montreal and have no clue who this is. He continued to say he was on a bad date and ended quickly and wanted to know if I liked jazz concerts or plays. The whole thing was so bizarre I thought it was a joke. My mom was like what is this guy just going through his phone I was dying. It didn’t stop there though. When I told him I had no idea who he was and did he have a face book? He responded with Il send you a picture I’m on Jdate ad Match I think lol. I was sitting there thinking I ever give my number out maybe this is a client a joke, something. Than I remembered sort of being there at Cibar that night, I was there to meet up with my usually crew and it just so happened this guy I thought was very cute and my type (the my type asshole player not looking for commitment but when he finally is he would be great type same) living less than one NYC block away.   I remember it being late and him texting me to come back to his place and I had hesitation but was nervous he would see me outside with this dude so to get this guy off my back I must of given him my number. I think he did call a few days later about dinner or bowling something but that was it. Now like literally a year later (I remember I was wearing high boots that night and genie was freezing) he contacts me and then texts me Monday how was Montreal? The sentiment is nice I meant but weird and o thought it was some wired joke one of my asshole friends were playing on me until he sent me a head shot lol that’s the best part.

Back to Montreal after a long night we ended up meet a Lebanese cab driver with family in Williamsburg who was suppose to drive up to NY this weekend but cancelled his trip at the last minute. He was awesome calling girl walking down S Catherine’s 2$ whores and more of the like. He said he loved Italians and couldn’t believe my mom was my mom. I had a feeling we were going to have another Boston experience where me and Stacey got back from a long night out in Boston to find my mom cornered outside the hotel with a guy screaming “I Love fucking Italians” interpret as you will.

He kept asking me how old I was and stopped the cab in the middle of St Laurent and stared at my mom and said, “No Way!” “your mom is cute, No way your mom is really cute” well me and my mom were cracking up in the car, so it was time to pay and get out of the cab at our Holiday Inn Select in Chinatown and once again, “Oh man your mom is cute” and than he said to me “You, you like to eat Spaghetti.”

I made my mom pay. I was in shock and told my mom I wasn’t eating again lol that lasted till 2 the next day when we were feasting at my cousins Italian Restaurant in Chambly.

 Au revoir Montréal j’irai faire revenir!

So I booked my trip to the Bahamas. I chose the Bahamas because it isn’t that far (just in case I have to get back) since I will be by myself and also because it is one of the few Caribbean Islands I’ve never been to. After I booked my trip which consisted of one Orbitz search and only one minor adjustment (I wanted non stop Jet Blue so I could get miles) I spoke to people about the Bahamas and checked the weather for November. November in the Bahamas is mid 80’s and sunny and at the end of hurricane season so less than 2inches of rain, great I thought.

 So than I spoke to people, nothing bad, they just told me since I’m going by myself I should change it to Breezes which is an all inclusive place. So yesterday I called Orbitz and while on hold I read reviews about Breezes ranging from “it’s a crazy loud drunken frat party” to “one word-disgusting”  to “they never clean the rooms”, “the food sucked”, and “my worse vacation ever” and my personal y favorite “If you want bed bugs go to Breezes” , so nevertheless forty minutes later when the Orbitz lady finally picked up I decided not to change my reservation, since I’m aiming for more of a clean relaxing vacation with a few cocktails and a GINORMOUS casino I would stay at my resort.

I did for a hot minute imagine myself partying for 5 days straight, but although I’m crazy enough to go on vacation by myself I’m not that crazy to stay at a place which is strictly for drunk twenty-something’s looking to get tan, get drunk and hookup or am I ?

But you know I called the Orbitz lazy back and asked if I could just go there for a night and not stay and- get this they want 50 bucks a day and 70 bucks for entry at night and that doesn’t include alcohol,  that’s just to get into their clubs. I said listen Orbitz Lady, I can get drunk, tan and hook up on the Jersey Shore for 20 bucks. She barely understood what I was asking and I was scared she was going to change my reservation to Breezes so I shut up.  

So if anyone will be in the Bahamas in November I got myself a nice room with an Ocean View at the Wydham Nassau Report and Spa with Casino WOOHOO I’m very excited.

So my crush bf at the gym turned out to be my sister’s ex- strange no? Stranger more is the fact that he has red hair, mountain bikes, likes Yoga and drives the same car as another redhead who I used to be sort of friends with. I say it that way because he will not talk to me anymore. I didn’t do anything bad perse just had another one of those nights I’m becoming infamous for. Which is also weird because Dude it’s me I mean, seriously I never do anything crazy, I mean yeah I go to Boston to a Reggae club and get in a cab with a guy we called Porky all night and end up in an apartment with 5 Sox crazy hipsters in an Indie Band and don’t hook up.

Or tell a dude in Miami he’s the hottest guy in the whole place and we end up in a cab with his 5 crazy Floridian friends sans him, watching Borat and drinking beers till Hottie came in and talked about the Ying and the Yang and politics and we walked to 7-11 at 8am to buy him cigarettes. Oh and once again no hookups but definitely good guys.

I do crazy things I like to have fun but trust me I’m no slut.  I like control and I never get to that point where I lose control (or I don’t like too that often ;)).

Hm which gets to be to another Redhead, which things almost got out of control but thankfully or NOT I had the sense to wake up and get Starbucks for my friends (bc I’m a nice person) and leave his place and shocker we don’t talk anymore either, but he was totally different scenario. He was great from the first moment we met, driven, fun, lots of friend, full of energy, I though WOW he’s just like me.

We were inseparable for 24 hours straight except when I was with my friends and he was with his. The first thing we did was get a Starbucks, go shopping and get lunch. The last sentence should be in bold.  For me that’s marriage material right there.  Then I met his friends and I was impressed, especially took a liking to one of them and the whole time all I’m thinking was wow he’s great and so are his friends maybe we can all hang out when we get back home. And than it happened we were out one night I couldn’t find him I got nervous he was “doing something bad” and I got this weird feeling like and I said Dam I cannot possible like him already its been 37 hours, lol but then he called and everything was all good, more talking more jokes more stories about life, family, clothes, I was hooked.

I didn’t even mind the tattoos the Louie V and all the black clothes, except for the tattoos he was sort of me but a dude.

Anyway I was wrong again he was probably nothing more than an arrogant, pretentious, player. Or that’s what I like to think because he in those 48 plus hours was everything I needed and wanted and I want to think there is someone out there who is like him and exactly what I want.  I even liked to hear about his job (which was also a perfect job for a future boyfriend for me) lots of hours, demanding, mucho responsibility and pressure, traveling to fun places. Basically my job without the traveling unless you think the South Bronx and Ghent are fun.

 Its weird but in 29 years he was the only guy I really wanted to call, and said to me the famous last words, “well definitely hang out” and never called. I know what that feels like now,  I never had that before, and this one I thought would call or I wanted him to because we were so alike I thought,  even just to be friends.  I mean like bestest friends in 48 plus hours this is what I thought.

Did I mention that he too, had red hair!

Since the long weekend I haven’t had more than an hour to myself or time to do anything I want to do. Of course tomorrow is Friday and all my big plans are gonna go to shit because of the rain. Of course. God when is this political garbage going to end. I swear there was a minute fifty left in the Giants game and all of a sudden a mini documentary on McCain who I might say was Hot when he was younger. But then, curious to find out what happen to his ex wife and why he is remorseful about it I goggled it and this is what I found http://www.usvetdsp.com/mcaindiv.htm. Read it it’s interesting.

Anyway getting away from political issues because there are other blogs about that I want to talk about Bagels. I love bagels love love bagels, with nutella, tofu cream cheese, back in college in the microwave with one slice fake American cheese. You get it I love it. So when I moved to Queens right down the street on Austin Street was this amazing tony bagel store owned by guess who Tajikistani Jews, remember I was in Forest Hills Bukharin Jews ran the streets over there if you know what I mean. But they loved me and I loved them.

I would see the lil grandma’s at Ctown and they would try to set me up with their nice grandsons or talk to me about the way there daughters in law were too American. My favorite stories were about how they use to try and camouflage with the Arabs in their home towns and during religious holidays say prayers and cedar in the basements and would have to hide their menorahs and other religious paraphernalia in fear that they other Tajiks would find out they were Jewish. The girls even my age told me horror stories about getting rocks thrown at them, and their parents so afraid for their safety, the paralegal at the office I worked at and her cousin the secretary, left their families and moved to Israel by themselves knowing no one,  where they finished high school and learned English before coming to beautiful Forest Hills.   

So here I was introduced to Flats, not Flagels Flats sooo gooood. And the workers were great they never looked happy or smiled but they always got your order right and if they knew you they would give you extra napkins.

I remember when I was down and out with only 20 bucks in my bank account right after the bar pending the results with no job, walking the streets of Forest Hills heading to Lucille Roberts without enough money to get a Starbucks. Yes I would forego m Starbucks and head to the Bagel store and order lunch and dinner. Veggie Light Tuna on an everything flat and a mini whole wheat with tomato cream cheese. Fantastic.

So much to my chagrin you could empathize with me when I went there today and saw a Help Wanted sign in the window. Hmm I thought that’s weird these ladies have worked there forever. Did they go back home? So I went to Starbucks pondering over this. Then I entered. It was about 3pm, not the rush time but certainly time to warrant a line. Something was wrong. I approach the counter and see a familiar face she acknowledged me but of course did not smile, and she must of saw my confused look, because she whispered “new owner the nephew.” Oh, interesting I though well nephew, so still Jewish possible the same recipe, I glance over to the spreads they look the same I spotted my Veggie Light Tuna and the woman behind the counter called another girl out to help me. A Young Hispanic girl. Now it is never a good thing to have to repeat your order more than once.

Once , even twice is respectful because they actually care about your order, three means they totally weren’t listening and four your shit is gonna to be jacked up. Finally I get my bagels and am all excited but a little apprehensive and I get in the car and reach into the lil brown paper bag and grab for the mini with tofu cream cheese. Oh man I was so upset they gave me a plain mini, even the shape was wrong it looked like one of those Italian breakfast pastries that look like hard donuts that Nana dips in her coffee (they start with an F in Italian I think).

It got worse, the Veggie Light Tuna was scare still decent but not hanging off the bagel, oh and then it hit me the Bagel tasted weird. Like a familiar taste though and then it hit me, it was FROZEN like when my mom freezes those Stew Leonard’s Bagels and you stick them in the microwave to defrost but it doesn’t totally defrost all the way. I was mortified. I was gonna go back, but I was already pulling in front of the Criminal Court Building. What do I do know I go to this place every time I drove anyone to the airport, anytime im anywhere near Jamaica even when I drive to Far Rockaway.

Doesn’t Palin look like a Saturday Night Live cast member? Is it payyyy lynn or palll lynn?